The above quote is from the movie, Cool Hand Luke. It is a classic movie dating back to 1967. The above may be the most memorable line. Remove the quotation marks and you have a text book explanation for many failures in planning, marketing, leadership, marriages, organizations, relationships, etc. COMMUNICATION IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MOST OF US REALIZE MOST OF THE TIME.
I believe a major reason for our frequent failure is that we focus on the “words” and not on what and how they are being said. Below is a study by Albert Mehrabian (State Business Magazine – Fall 2002 – Body Language).
“The total impact of a message is about 7% verbal (words only), 38% linguistic (including tone of voice, inflections and other sounds) and 55% non-verbal (facial expressions, gestures, postures)…”
Jim Barton (Ph.D) was a clinical speech pathologist and very effective counselor in Baton Rouge. Physiatrists and Psychologists would often refer patients to him when they couldn’t find a cure. Jim had a simple definition and / or philosophy on communications – “Effective communications is getting what’s in your heart out through your mouth or some other socially acceptable means.”
He’d explain further that if you don’t get these out in a positive method – conversation, words, song, dance, art, poetry, etc. these thoughts and feelings would express themselves through stress, anger, violence, the lining of your stomach, the collapse of your arteries, cancer, etc.
Doug was a good friend who beat cancer three times and worked with cancer survivors. When an individual newly diagnosed with cancer would approach him, he’d always ask, “What stress has been in your life?” He believed stress hurts and kills.
George Bernard Shaw once said, “The problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.”
I heard a speaker once explain – “If I tell my wife, when I look at you time stands still, she’ll love me. If I say your face can stop a clock – she’ll divorce me. Understand that I’ve said the same thing.” To me this is evidence of the correctness of Mr. Shaw’s statement. If you ask a group of folks to punctuate the following sentence, “Woman without her man is nothing.” Chances are you’ll get two entirely different responses.
Women will answer, “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”
Men will respond, “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
Remember, “We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are.” Anais Nin
I now offer two brief stories to reinforce my / these theories on the power and importance of communications.
Boudreaux was a baseball umpire. After a game, he and his friends Arceneaux and Comeaux went to get a beer. Arceneaux started by saying, “Boudreaux, you’re a great umpire because you call them like you see them.” Comeaux corrected that statement with his own opinion, “Boudreaux, you’re so good because you call them like they are.” Boudreaux corrected them both by saying – “Y’all are both wrong – they are nothing until I call them.” That’s life…
In the mid-1980s I coached youth soccer. One year I was coaching 4 and 5 year olds. The two youngest, smallest and slowest kids on the team were Jeremy and Ryan. The ball reached to the bottom of their shorts.
Every time Jeremy kicked the ball – he kicked it in the wrong directions since his “slowness” had him going against the flow. In the last game of the year the ball accidently ended up at his feet as he was running toward the goal. His short legs did not allow him to kick it away so the ball “stuck” to him and he ran it into the goal. His momma was crying as were most of us on our side of the field. I looked across the way and the other team was celebrating Jeremy’s new found success. Jeremy was now a winner. The next year – he was a much better player even though nothing had changed except new found confidence created by his accidental success.
Ryan’s story did not end in such a positive fashion. Ryan, too, was a good kid, who just wanted to be on the field with his buddies. His dad was at every practice and he hovered over Ryan with his own unrealistic expectations for his son. Once when the ball rolled toward Ryan he missed it and flipped over backwards (this is fairly common among 4 year old players).
In a moment I’ll never forget – his dad bent down and got in his son’s face and screamed, “Boy, you’ll never be worth a shit.” Ryan was hurting and I was shell shocked. I picked Ryan up and sent him to join the team and I pulled his dad off to the side for a private conversation. I said simply, “And you just guaranteed it, asshole!”
I, to this day, pray that my message to the dad – impacted his future behavior and I pray that the dad’s comments to Ryan did not impact his boy’s future. Unfortunately I fear the worst happened – Ryan will never be the player he might have been with time and practice because he was labeled by negative emotion rather than reinforced by the positive – we all so hope for.
Whether you’re a 90 year old member of the Greatest Generation, an aging Boomer like me or a much more tech-savvy individual member of Gen X, Y, or Z, please remember that communication is important – words matter – meaning is even more important and you haven’t succeed until what you and the person you are communicating with have “connected.” Communication isn’t real or SUCCESSFUL until the message transmitted is the same as the message received.
In closing, when I take my last breath on this earth – I hope and pray a friend or loved one is there to hold my hand and offer me comfort - empathy. AT THAT MOMENT I HAVE NO DESIRE TO CHECK MY TEXT MESSAGES! Remember with a text and much of social media, you get only the words – 7% of the message!
About The Author
Mike Manes is the owner of Square One Consulting and a partner in North Star Strategic Services. Mike is an author, columnist and speaker on issues of change, its management and architecture, organizational culture, etc. He has written two books – “Gumbo, Cooking Up the Organization of the Future” and “Organizational Planning, Quick and Simple.”
Comments